BANG! POW! SHAZAM! Who wants a gun?
You’re babies and convicted felons!
We don’t care! There are zombies! We need to kill humans!
Wait, but you said the guns were for the zom . . . Oh, whatever, okay, here are your guns. BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T TAKE THEM OUT OF YOUR HOLSTERS!
(people make chagrinned faces.)
(zombies say, “Gar.”)
Not that you would know what to say anyway, but I’m going to make a long speech about feelings right now, so don’t interrupt me because we’re all old men here, except some of the pregnant ladies, and we know that means no interruptions. Okay, where was I? . . .
(zombies say “Yaurighura”)
Oh yeah, I was going to talk about love. Sometimes people are in love, and I’m happy. We say congratulations and nice to meet you when we are happy. But other times I’m sad, and when I’m sad I TELL PEOPLE ABOUT
IT IN ALL CAPS. And I spit on things or people. When people die, I am sad because I love people, but if people try to kill people or rape people and then we kill them, I am not sad because they deserved it unless they didn’t mean to kill or rape people in which case we should say we’re sorry and ask them if they want to talk about it. But they don’t. But, if I am sad about people dying I TELL OTHER PEOPLE
TO FUCK OFF WHEN THEY TRY TO BE NICE TO ME.
ARE WE, CRAZY?
And women. Women are sassy. Sassy, sassy women. But this is not about women’s rights, dammit! We could all die! I am also happy about babies, and I am sad about babies. Because does that baby know how to shoot a gun yet? And, also, is it a bastard? Sex out of wedlock is bad, and that is how babies get made! And babies make us happy and sad and have incredible marksmanship, but are unpredictable with guns.
BLING! SHAWING! BLANG!
Oh my god! What are the babies doing with guns? I will never forgive you for this! AND THEY ARE NOT EVEN YOUR BABIES!
NOOOOOO. Do you mean you had an extramarital affair???
(thought bubble about how it was with his best friend, but she will never tell because she just
couldn’t do that to him.)
OH NO! The babies and convicted felons shot all of the canned goods! I never thought they would take their guns out of their holsters!
I hope they didn’t shoot the pickles and canned pears because I am a pregnant woman and must eat pickles while I have morning sickness and do the laundry!
(zombies come out of nowhere saying “Gak” and “Xylophone.”)
WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?! Bleeeaaaarrruuuugghhhiiiiiyyyyeeeechhh.
ZIP! PING! SCHLAKK!
(people walk over a hill into the sunset with their guns by their sides and their arms around their women, who are also people.)
(chagrinned faces with a single tear on each of their cheeks)
How bad does this story need a sassy gay friend? Real bad.