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Drink, Slay, Love - Sarah Beth Durst Gurl, I hate to be the one to tell ya, but your boyfriend is totally gay. Gay as the day is long. I know you’re new to this whole “humanity” thing, so I’ll give you a couple of pointers. Your guy might say “she walks like the night,” but when a dude calls you a lady of the night, it’s not usually a compliment. Also when a dude is really into unicorns, pretty clear signal of gay. So, when your bf is calling you a prostitute and IS a unicorn . . . man, you know your relationship better than me, but it might be time for a serious DTR. Don’t wait for the facebook post.

Until he comes out, I could really see you guys digging some of these helpful tips from Cosmo, now that you decided to cross that interspecies line. They’re just so you.

I gotta tell you, though (since we’re having this brutally honest talk) that when you go on and on about OMG, are people who are different than me reeeeally peeeeple??? It makes me want to die. I truly, truly, truly do not understand why someone hasn’t killed this topic of debate. They are peeeple! SOYLENT GREEN IS PEEEEPLE!! I’m so over that. It has been scientifically, sociologically, and statistically proven that Muslims women cylons people are fucking people. And two hundred pages of you realizing that people are people . . . kill me now.

Also, and now I am addressing you, Ms. Durst: if you are trying to somehow be satirical about vampire romance, you totally failed. Read A Shore Thing and see how it’s done classy. Also, bad form to have a character make fun of Buffy. Bad form!

Let’s talk about Twilight for a second, though. Where were you going with all of that? Were you satirizing it or fan fic-ing it? I am so lost. It felt like you were trying really hard and failing to make fun of it, which made me very uncomfortable. How is it making fun of Twilight to write a vampire girl who falls in love with someone sparkly and sharp and kind of controlling and converts to his culture for him? I’ll tell you how: it’s not. So, instead, this is just fan fic that takes a dig at its mommy fic quite frequently. AWKWARD!

So awkward. Everything. I mean, Twilight deserves criticism, sure, but at least there are cars flying places and people plotting and attacking, and oh my god finding out what sort of mythical creature everyone is. I totally hate it in books when it takes people forever to realize what mythical creature everyone is. So boring. But, my point is that at least Twilight is not just people sitting around fucking thinking about how sweet humans are. MAYBE . . . or are they?

That’s another thing. Humans are NOT that sweet. You set up this weird dichotomy where the characters could be either Charles Manson or Rainbow Brite, and that sucks.

I wish this story wasn’t about stupid, stupid unicorns, but was about screwicorns instead. I think I hate unicorns.

The publisher provided me this book in exchange for nothing. And I am grateful for that, even though this book was terribly boring.