The other day I was talking to someone and he said, “Well, I’m no pie expert . . . Wait! No! I am
a pie expert. I am an expert at pie!”
Another person asked, “How did you become a pie expert?”
“One time I ate only pie for an entire week. I was driving across the country with my buddies, and we decided to eat only pie.”
“Like Jack Kerouac in On the Road
!” I said.
“Yes! Exactly! That’s exactly what we were doing. We were reading On the Road
, and we decided he was so smart when he realized pie is the best solution when you’re traveling and have no money.”
“He ‘knew it was nutritious, and of course delicious.’”
“Yes! It has all of the food groups - especially if you have it with ice cream." He paused. "Except pie isn’t as filling as you would think it would be, so we had to drink a lot of beer to make up for that. And we ate a lot of multi-vitamins because we felt terrible. We would stop and camp out by the road, eating pie and drinking beer with multi-vitamins.
“We got to my girlfriend’s house, and we looked like shit. We hadn’t shaved and we had the pie sweats. But, it made me an expert at pie.”
Other than his advice about pie, I find Jack Kerouac to be one of those useless, narcissistic, cult-leader types. He’s pretty hot, though, and he does have correct opinions about pie.