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Darkfever - Karen Marie Moning The thing I never get over, no matter how much I dye my hair, is how it changes my personality every time. When my hair was its natural brown, I was innocent and pious. When my hair was purple, I forgot all about my upbringing and became angsty and wild. When I shaved my head, I became a lesbian. When I went back to brown hair, I became bookish and respectable. Then, when I was blond, I mostly thought about clothes and sex with men. Somebody should do some kind of test on the physiological reason for this. Okay, I’m obviously a little annoyed about the hair thing anyway, so yes, this book managed to hit a lot of pet peeves of mine.

No no, you’ll say, she was still the same girl when she dyed her hair, but it was SUCH A BIG DEAL! And it symbolized her change into badass fairy slayer. Annoying. I mean, there aren’t that many substantive things that I care about it this book, admittedly, so this review is really going to focus on the petty stuff that stood out to me. The hair in this book is so annoying.

It’s different to me when a story is Buffy, and it’s a girl who is legitimately interested in clothes and hilarious and badass, and not freaking annoying. This girl, though . . . ugh. A blemish on the name of “girl.” Sheesh, what bothered me so much about his girl? Okay, here’s a thing. The book is from the first-person POV, and I just found it unbelievable. She both seemed to have perspective about how ridiculous she was and want to talk about her life from within that ridiculous perspective ad infinitum. Like, she was always breaking in and saying, “Later, I would learn how truly ridiculous I was . . .” or “I have no idea why I did that.” Okay, you need to be more present in the first-person. You can’t be so removed from first-person that there’s all this narrator dissonance from you being so freaking wise now that you can’t understand who you were then. It’s annoying. I’m the one who wants to know the things that you’re hinting at and not telling me. It doesn’t make me feel suspense for you to dodge your own topics, it makes me not trust you. Just don’t talk about it at all if you don’t want to and tell your freaking story. I felt like Moning couldn’t decide whether young, silly Mac was telling the story or old, battle-worn Mac was telling the story. Maybe Bridesmaids has ruined me on idiot girls. How shall I move forward in my post-Bridesmaids life?!

And then Barrons. I kept thinking that Barrons would be a transitory annoying character and she would meet some really charming guy, who I actually wanted to read about, later. I was waiting for the Officer Rhoades in this story, if I’m going to keep comparing this to Bridesmaids in my head. Barrons was so Jon Hamm. But a law professor. I think I will always have a reaction to people who answer a question with a question after too many of those experiences in law school. Just say, “I don’t know,” or “I’m not going to tell you that.” BUT if you’re writing a book, don’t set up whole pages of conversations just to tell me nothing! Was there supposed to be sexual tension in that? Because I just felt like I was in Family Law.

So, back to the hair thing. When I bleached my hair blond, I got two very specific reactions from people. One, I completely understood; the other was shockingly freakish. The first was that it took a lot longer to make friends with girls I really respected if they hadn’t known me with brown hair. The second was that guys were very aggressive. Much more aggressive than when I have brown hair. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my blond hair, and I’ll probably go back to blond at some point, but the whole experience made me annoyed with humans.

The other experience that is making me extra bitter about this book is last season of The Bachelor. Yes, I’ve been watching The Bachelor again, so sue me. Anyway, there was this girl, Emily, who was basically Mac 1.0:

Emily Maynard's show photo - blonde, dreamy-eyed, Southern

And then there was this other girl, Chantal, who was just a normal girl (except, you know, she was on The Bachelor):

Chantel O'Brien's show photo - dark features, not stick-insect, normal girl

And, of course, he goes for the blond girl. She had a tragic past and talked with a soft, southern accent, and, really, she seemed great and totally won the girl contest, if there’s a girl contest. But, you know none of those things are who a person is on a daily basis. So, now they’re broken up because she has a temper and swears like a sailor in real life, and her hair isn’t really blond and she has caps on her teeth (I think). Anyway, I think Mac’s kind of the same. There’s nothing to her, and there’s always something interesting to a human, blond or not. Or, maybe not, but there should be something interesting if I'm going to read about somebody. I know she loved her sister, but that’s not really a thing that makes somebody a person. I feel like this book was written by a brunette girl who thinks all blond girls are dumb. That’s not that different to me than a guy who thinks the blond girl is the dream girl. I get why we are prejudiced against girls who keep their hair perfect and blond - we think, like Mac, they've got a man-eating agenda. That seems as wrong to me as the dream-girl fantasy. Now, on this season of The Bachelorette all the guys are talking about how they wish the bachelorette was Emily. I guess it’s because men are idiots. Maybe just humans are idiots, I don’t know.

This book is not for me, but it does surprise me that so many girls who have so much shit to talk about Twilight don’t have a problem with this book. Is it because she’s a slayer and she’s out for blood, while Bella’s the mediator? It kind of freaks me out if that’s why. Mac’s whole single-minded campaign of revenge wasn’t really compelling to me. I mean, she says she’s not interested in helping anybody else, but she just wants to kill this one dude? That just seems dumb to me. Not that I don’t think a person would have moments of feeling like that, but, then, maybe, a person would think, “Well, that’s not going to really get me anywhere,” and come up with a better plan.

I’m not going to continue with this series. When I read Wicked Lovely, I thought I didn’t care for the fairy thing because it was too much after having just finished all the Twilights. It was like when you’re a kid and you’ve just eaten too many jelly beans at a sleepover and now you want to puke. They were all fun until that last handful. I kind of felt the same way about this book, though, so maybe I’m just not into the fairy thing. There aren’t enough boundaries with the fairy world. Like, you’re going to give me vampires and fairies?! No, choose a mythology and stick with it. I don’t like it when there’s too much of a mish-mash of different species. It seems sloppy.

I wouldn’t say it’s, like, bad to like this series, obviously. I like Twilight myself and don't think it's bad to like it. I just don’t get this one. The pages didn’t fly for me, and I didn’t like any of the characters. Nobody was funny, unless I was supposed to be laughing at all of them, which is just mean. Time for a real break from fantasy, until I change book-moods again. I'll go read some Ian McEwan, or something, so I can feel better about humans.